


If Love is A Lie

by thereisalwaysanand



Series: Daybreak [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cain and Colette, Declaration of Love, Destiel One Shot, First Kiss, I can't help myself, Light Angst, M/M, Post lucifer, Season 11, colette parallel, destiel trash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-14
Updated: 2016-03-14
Packaged: 2018-05-26 17:07:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6248362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thereisalwaysanand/pseuds/thereisalwaysanand
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam and Dean saved Cas, but nothing ever changes for the better. </p>
<p>Title from I don't wanna grow up by Bebe rexha</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Love is A Lie

Cas twirls the tumbler in his hand, watches the amber liquid coat the walls. Alcohol was never really his forte, with the exception of the liquor store and a few other things. This was dean's game, and Cas didn't understand why the eldest Winchester was always sipping on something. 

Now though, things had changed. He swung the last inch down his throat, enjoying the burn he had to really concentrate to feel. He still needed a whole lot more than a human to get drunk, but he didn't need that. He just needed to cut the edge of the aching pain in his chest. Needed to block out the way Dean looked at him, like he was something that needed protection. 

Dean and Sam brought Cas back, but it didn't change the voice in his head nagging him, they don't need you, they don't love you. 

A wave of anger rushed over him, and he reached for the bottle. As he wrapped his hand around the neck of the bottle, someone else wrapped their hand around Cas'. A flicker of pain and recognition cut through the anger. Dean. 

Slowly Cas dragged his eyes to look at the man. Dean stood over him, hand still covering Cas' around the bottle. Concern painted his featured. 

Cas had caught enough glimpses of himself in mirrors to know that his face was empty. Devoid of any light, any semblance of emotion. In the middle of the night last week, he covered all the mirrors. No one took the covers off, and neither brother mentioned it. 

"Cas." Dean spoke, a whisper really. "I can't keep watching you do this." 

Cas lowered his eyes, and tried to wiggle his hand out from dean's. Dean responded by taking Cas' hand away from the bottle, cradling it in both of his calloused hands. Cas went limp in his touch. 

"then don't watch." Cas said, bitterness tinging his words. 

Dean dropped Cas' hand, letting it fall to the table. Cas waiting to hear his footsteps, feel his presence leave the room, but it didn't happen. Dean walked around the table, pushing Cas' chair back, and knelt before him, balancing himself by placing a hand on Cas' knee. 

"Cas. Do you...do you know why we saved you?" Dean said, and Cas could see the part of Dean that raised sam. Another wave of anger licked at his heart. 

"Lucifer. The darkness. Saving me was just a part of saving the world." Cas said, meeting dean's eyes. 

Dean nodded, rolling Cas' words in his mind. He inched his hand up, brushing Cas' fingers resting on his thigh. He lowered his voice to the point that only Cas could hear. "Fuck the world, Cas." 

Cas jerked his hand from dean's reach and squinted at Dean. "What?" He questioned. His anger froze, confused as to how it should ebb. 

Dean lowered his eyes, his hand trembling mildly on Cas' leg. Finally in clicked in Cas mind, Dean was afraid. Cas had felt a lot of things in dean's soul, but fear was never one of them. 

"I would have let Amara destroy the world if it meant I could save you." Dean said finally. 

Cas shook his head. "That's not true. You put your job first, you put Sam first. You always save everyone." 

"Not this time." Dean took a shakey breathe. "Cas, I..." He looked up into Cas' eyes. "I have taken you for granted. You and I, we always come back to each other and I thought... I thought that's how it would always be. I never considered that...you...that you didn't know... Cas..." He opened and closed his mouth a few times, eyes filled with emotion. "How could you not know how I feel about you?" 

Cas was taken aback. "You always pick something else over me. You kicked me out of here when I needed you most, when I fell." 

Dean removed his hand from Cas and buried his face into his hands. "Dammit Cas. I know I've messed up. But with you. I don't know. I just. I never once considered that you would die and I would live. I always knew that you could take care of yourself. If anything I thought that I wasn't good enough. Why would you want to be here. Why would you need me? And then I had the mark and finally I figured it out. You...you are my... I mean... With the Cain thing."

Cas stared at Dean, watching him fumble for the words. "Cain?" 

Dean rolled back on his heels, looking to the ceiling for help. "It was something Cain said to me. That I mirror his life. That I would kill you. And then I would kill Sammy, and it would be full circle." 

Cas struggled to see the point. "Okay so Sam is your Abel. What does that make me?" 

Dean sighed. "Colette. It makes you my Colette." 

When did it get so hard to breathe in here? 

"That night. That night you told me that you would have to watch me murder the world. It hit me how much you are to me." Dean waved his hands around his head. "I finally, finally understood how much I love you and the first thing I did was try to kill you." 

"Why..." Cas stutters.

"Why didn't I tell you?" Dean meets Cas eyes. "Because I'm a fuck up. and I got so scared. I thought that if I just never told you then I'd never have to hear you say that you don't feel the same way. And you wouldn't leave. I couldn't lose you, Cas. But instead I almost lost you forever." 

Cas stared, mouth open, at Dean. The silence fell like bricks on Dean. 

"Look man. I get it." Dean stood up, slowly, like it was painful. "Don't say anything. I just needed you to know." He rubbed a hand on he back of his neck. He stood there, like maybe if he stood long enough, it would force Cas to love him back. Finally, he forced himself to turn away, and walked towards the door. 

"Dean." Hope crashed into dean's thoughts, unwelcome. He froze, waiting.

"I have loved you since the moment I saw your soul in hell." 

Dean spun to face Cas, who had stood up. He didn't look like his old self, in a pair of dean's sweatpants and an old band shirt, but his eyes started to shine again, his face was a little brighter. Dean took a step towards him.

"I loved you when I didn't know what love was. I loved you so deeply that it broke down everything that made me an angel. Honesty Dean I think loving you made me something else entirely. I think loving you made me who I was meant to be." Cas took a step towards Dean. "But I thought that you would never love me. So I loved you the way I knew how, by doing what you needed. I gave so much of myself to you, and no one seemed to understand why. I thought that maybe, when we got rid of the mark. Maybe you..." Dean took a small step. "I was so weak, that by the time lucifer came, I had given up. When I should have just told you how I felt." Another step. 

Now their faces were just a breathe apart, the electricity between them almost palpable. "I think..." Cas started. But Dean cut him off. "I think we should stop thinking." Neither one was sure who kissed who, but it didn't really matter. What mattered was that this felt like home.


End file.
